This was written before I moved. It has not been edited to fit the current day. This is written in past tense, however, this was written with the future in mind. If it has been posted, that means it all holds true months later —this is what I anticipated so long ago.
You opened my eyes to something I feel we both overlooked, and I want to show you it somehow. By knowing myself, I know it has taken an incredible amount of patience to get to this day, and I was doubtful that this post would ever see the light of day.
I wonder what has happened these few months. I wonder what you have thought each afternoon we spent separated. I wonder if another woman has caught your attention and distracted you from what you initially told me; I wonder if any man did the same to me in New York. If you are reading this though, maybe my eyes haven’t strayed far, and if yours have, I want you to know that is okay.
Today must be the day I finally had the courage to post it. Today must be the day I planned to see you again. I won’t tell you this all in person, but I must have given you the URL because today must be the day I finally stood in front of you again.
The night you ended everything I felt shattered. The way I see it, a heart that breaks has been loved, and I am thankful for that. You broke me though. I faltered, I cried, I doubted myself, I crumbled, and all that was because of me. I am confident in that, but I wasn’t prepared for what us would do to me; how missing you would hurt.
Ever since I met you, I watched you. I watched you like I did tonight. I drew up my own observations and concluded my opinions of you. To put it plainly, I have seen some breathtaking sights in my lifetime, but when you were in my gaze I was mesmerized.
I saw how you saw yourself. You contorted to change your reflection. I would see it in the photos you sent me—in your body language. I would watch you in the mirror and see how you weren’t pleased with your reflection in all aspects of the metaphor. I knew we didn’t see the same person.
One afternoon while you watched the Office, I laid looking up at you. You held your hand up and tried to cover up my stare, and I smiled. I smiled because I saw at that moment how satisfied I could just be laying there and looking at the man I adored.
You put your hand down and looked me in the eyes. You brought up the little brown specks in my green eyes. My eyes shifted back and forth between both of your eyes because of the intensity of your gaze. I knew how close you were looking after you said that and it solidified how seen I always felt when you looked at me.
I saw how you viewed your flaws through observing you. The fear that drove you, I felt. When you were nervous, so was I. It was consuming, but I was stronger than it could have ever been. I was strong enough to hear your words today, the day I’m writing in August, and see a flaw once more.
You put me first—you dropped something and put me first. I saw how when you looked at yourself, you saw a man that never would, but I want you to remember you did. You once told me you could never put me first like you hoped, but you did. You did in the way I could have never expected you would. So try and believe in yourself*
I am sure seeing me made you anxious. I am not sure what I did or how it happened, but I will tell you I was just as anxious. This evening was planned carefully. Most nights leading up to it I am sure I thought about calling it off.
I needed to see for myself if I still saw what I always did. When you played, your gaze made me nervous. I watched you watch me and I was blown away every time you looked at me in the crowd. Even if music was what you wanted first, at that moment I always felt like the only one in the room.
I will not, and cannot change the way you view yourself. I worked hard every day we were apart to see my own reflection in a better light. You may have helped me feel comfortable with myself, but only I could get me to where I wanted to be fully. You may not see yourself the way I did. I do not expect you to, but I hope you do soon.
Regardless of what happened tonight, don’t feel upset about the future. I have seen what I wanted. There is always a chance I see you again, but know I didn’t do tonight to spite you. I don’t want you to look at it as a woman you lost. I don’t want you to feel anxious, soon I will disappear if I am meant to.
Maybe I’ll be your most beautiful regret, but I will always be the one that wishes you the best no matter where life takes me. Maybe in years, we will find ourselves intertwined again, maybe we won’t. Maybe you will move on and find someone else, maybe you already have. Maybe I will go through with what I have planned all along, maybe I will drop it after tonight.
I feared our end, and when it happened I noticed everything was okay. I smiled every time I was reminded of you once I got through the pain of it all. It may be hard to understand, and I know I will never be able to explain it fully. Just know with what I can put to words, don’t worry about me. I saw you, I got to see what I missed every day since I first saw you.
In Kindergarten I toured the entirety of my new school. I would have seen some spectacular things, however, the drums were what I attempted to draw. I have always noticed that they caught my attention from then on, so thank you for sitting behind them for me to see 15 years, 10 months, and 30 days later. I know you because of them, so I would never want to come between the two of you, they should remain first.
Thank you for brightening my smile at least one more time.
*The edits: We’ve changed, I have changed since I wrote this. I wrote this when I still allowed contact, then I did everything I could to strip contact. It hurt to see you move on so quickly. I wrote this when I had no idea of a pain like that. Sure I was upset when I wrote this before I moved, but not like I was these past four months while life hit me.
Our mutual friend will bring us together, but us isn’t what it used to be. It cant be anymore and I understand that, but changes in my life needed to happen to make tonight possible. I came tonight to let go of the anger, to remember what it is like to be at peace with someone I care so deeply about. I hope I show you that everything is okay, that I will be okay, and I endlessly wish you the life you deserve.
Time to let go of the anxiety, everything will be okay.