Finding Your Light: The Onset

The self-doubt I surpassed and rose against a few years ago flooded my bloodstream with toxic feelings at such force recently. I became crippled under the weight of fear and ached every time I tried to pull myself back up. I struggled, still struggle, daily with the events surrounding the changes in my life.

I am starting this multi-part series to invite others to gain insight towards mental health by providing personal experiences that I hope, in turn, will promote more to gain an understanding of the significance of mental health. You are not alone, there are so many resources out there to better yourself. 

It would be most natural to point fingers and blame others for the mess I found myself in, but self-awareness goes hand in hand with understanding the events surrounding the feelings. My personal mind was the one filling me with doubt. I attributed one instance of where I fell apart to correctly reflect upon all of my future endeavors.

There was no way I could succeed. I poured so much into a significant piece of my life, and not through my own doing, I lost it. That scared me. I could sit and feel as if I did everything right. I was complimented to the point that I was perfect at what I contributed, and still, I was left feeling lost and confused to the point I could only reason with the feeling I should have done something differently.

What shifted? 

I would spiral. I would emphasize the fact that I could do everything right with life, and suddenly one thing could pull the rug out from underneath me and leave me on the concrete floor crying for salvation. I came face to face with forces that existed solely to pin me at my wrists and keep me down. I attributed that to the rest of my life, I would always be hurt. No one was telling me that this failure would keep happening, but I kept telling myself it would.

I am the epitome of an over-thinker. I process every word, and I usually rise to incredible clarity. More times than most, I reach groundbreaking realizations by being calculated.

I have a demon who resides inside of me. It seeks to comport in my body, and I am the dummy to his ventriloquist act. He feeds me with dark clarity that keeps my eyes wide at night.

When I am strong, when I am happy, he is lost in the contents of my soul because I internally illuminate and radiate. He thrives on darkness, and when my light broke during this previous occasion, the glass exploded into the fine and fragmented pieces I amounted myself to. I became broken glass and dust, and he took control.

What happened? 

I would consume myself with my future, and he told me I was going to be a failure. He would tempt me and wake me from my sleep so I would hear his words that I tried to avoid with sleeping pills and strangulation by a blanket. He starved me quite literally and figuratively regarding fulfillment in my days. Somedays I resisted and tried to tell myself I was okay, but I was losing miserably and lying to myself most evenings.

I was so overwhelmed one day that I amounted myself to nothing. I was ready to throw everything in, and I wasn’t sure how far I would take, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

I usually overcome my demon on my own. I would never recommend this to anyone and strongly urge assistance. I, myself, am educated and regarded by therapists as aware of my mental health. Pain has existed in my life and has, in turn, been my biggest motivator. I can allow myself to feel uncomfortable, and talk to others through the process of getting help and move away from the pain I let myself feel momentary.

I wasn’t moving this time. I was scared that “this” broadly defined life. I never once felt my life was better off ending, so when I said that statement aloud and couldn’t amount what “this” meant, I moved. I was not helping myself this time, so I needed to bring in positive forces to be reminded I wasn’t alone.

To continue reading, check out Finding Your Light: The Action.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, I urge more to feel comfortable asking for help. Bearing the weight of your friends in times of need is not meant for everyone. If you are in a space in your life where you can be there for others, I hope you utilize your gift as I have in the past. If you personally cannot handle that role, help yourself, and help others to seek personal help. There is nothing shameful about wanting help. Hug more and remind those in your life that you love them, it will make a significant impact on your well being.

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