Dating Today

Our society has boomed since the embrace of the technology era. Relationships are still work like I am sure they were before everything was at our fingertips. I don’t believe one generation’s dating times are better than another, but because I only have the knowledge of my own, I don’t want to create an opinion over when it was the easiest to date. Older generations had different struggles with relationships, that we experience in our own ways now, and I am praying for future generations.

We are so plugged in that many forget to step away from the screen throughout the day. I am a bit of a classic chaser myself. I’ll send love letters just as I send birthday cards as opposed to birthday Facebook posts. I would much rather Facetime or speak on the phone instead of text all day to get to know someone. I actually prefer long walks on the beach over going to the movies.

We can reach people on dating apps where before you met people through, well, interacting outside of our phones. We live in a world now that you can know a lot about the person before you even hear it from them through social media dumpster diving. We really can’t hide much if it is out there. You see what everyone is up to through the lens they want you to see it. There is no in between when it comes to boasting or dramatizing lives. You do it, or you don’t, but still, people judge regardless.

Online dating, take it or leave it, we’ve all at least thought about it and formed an opinion on it. I am sure some more than most would admit to it, but we are curious if you can really find love through it. The guys I have come across and had feelings for in the past have been a fifty-fifty split between apps and in personal encounters. I am not going to knack online dating. It comes with ease for sure. When I was living in a new large city you can run into endless opportunities for possibly finding love, I know several who have.

What I loved most was just meeting people—meeting people through the people I matched with mostly. I aimed to use dating apps in the past not to find love, but find answers. I hate to admit that I most likely exploited human attraction to find more in the world. I never let it progress if there wasn’t a deeper connection with the men, but I knew I wasn’t on there to find love which is why I avoid journeying that way again.

I like the idea of mutual friends or even casual encounters with strangers the most when broadly looking at the men I have been attracted to. I don’t mind receiving friend requests on Facebook from men simply because I put my humility on the line and introduced myself to strangers, you know like in the olden days. Obviously, there was something common that brought us together, but human interaction is something I thrive on more than our messaging.

I have struggled in the past with just talking to a phone and reading the words others write. I cannot remember a time that I didn’t do that though… Maybe my elementary school boyfriend? I think back to my middle school crushes and even then I remember staying up late sending nonsense with my T9 keyboard. Everything has lived through technology. I guess I could thank the era for bringing me together with the men I have crushed on, but it really never showed me, love, like physically being with someone.

I have made friendships with some of the men from dating apps that probably should have only ever been friends. I think the constraints around the dreaded friend zone are silly because relationships aren’t confined by a romantic interest or not. I would rather show them their part of my life is important to me and I will strengthen it where I can, but to pretend feelings are there when they may have never existed fails to be worth it for me.

Right now, I don’t see myself trying to find love like I have in the past. I go through stages where I am all about it, or I am trying to hide from it, and right now I am not sure where I fall in terms of love. If there is anything to take from dating today it has to be, you need to love yourself first. That is where dating today leaves me—with a relationship with myself because I deserve my love.

Love will find you when you least expect it, I fully have felt that, but you need to be ready when it does. Loving yourself starts today with you.

30 July 2016

Two months ago, I added an event to the calendar on my phone. I wanted to be reminded of the plan I dreamt up to execute this morning. Earlier this week, I deleted the reminder. 

I envisioned waking up and rolling over to my phone. I would squint at the bright light so that I could spell out Good morning baby and adorn it with a red heart to symbolize the love I felt towards him the second I woke up.

I would then click over to Instagram to create a new post. I’d scroll to the beginning of my camera roll and find the year-old picture of us. The photo would be faded to match my silly aesthetic, but in my opinion, the smile on my face radiated enough vibrancy to capture the feelings I was developing towards him that day.

I could caption it with a thousand words or I could let the photo speak for itself, but I knew I above all wanted to remind him that I see you. Today and all days since this day in 2016, I have seen you.

A year ago, I noticed him for the first time. I purposefully put myself standing beside him all night and for the past year, I stood taller knowing he was the one who held my heart with such delicacy from that moment on. This morning I am hunched over writing this in a hotel room feeling rather nostalgic and somber about our past.

I did not wake up to sweet texts and sent none of my own, today, and all days for nearly two months. During the relationship, it felt like I’d blink and a whole month would pass, now each day weighs heavy as they collect in months apart.

I kept the love we shared between us. I was less than vocal on social media during our relationship because I did not seek the audience’s approval. I was so incredibly happy to be caring for something bigger than myself.

I had no intention to post the photo for it to be “liked” by my peers. I intended to show him that this day in the past made quite honestly the biggest turn around on my well-being thus far. Today, a year ago, I took my first steps in a new direction that would lead me towards unforgettable love. All I currently have is a hole in my heart where we used to take up residency, but I am trying to strengthen myself by filling it on my own with memories of caring about who we were.

I was given a heart of pure compassion. I have borne the weight of others and have been driven by empathy throughout my days, but it felt like he was given to me so I could understand how to be grateful for what was literally sitting at my feet. His love for me felt as if it knew no bounds. My knowledge of love, relationships, and affection grew because of him, but so did heartbreak.

He may have turned away from me a few weeks after I set the reminder for today, but his absence is a daily reminder of how thankful I try to remain while knowing I have felt a love like that in my lifetime.

If you meet someone and feel internally drawn by their presence, don’t let them pass you on. We may have been strangers connected by mutual friends, but I regret nothing by asking to take a photo with him that day.

I knew then I did not want to forget that man, and if my memory failed me one day in the future, then I would have a photo that would speak for itself.

 

 

 

Woman Behind the Words

We all do it—live that is. I mean sure eventually life happens and then ends, but that isn’t what I am blogging about. If there is a blog space after the end, then I am sure you can follow-up on my eternal life there, but until then, here is where I rewind and unwind on my times in this life.

I view the past rather simply: we are built from it, but it does not necessarily define us in our present and future lives. We achieve different goals, overcome obstacles, and transition, if you will, into the person we destined to develop into. I recognize my past, as well as the past of others, to see the person we became because of it, but it isn’t a tool used to judge another.

I have grown, bloomed, and flourished in my days. I am not adorned with perfection, I recognize that my stem has thorns scattered throughout its leaves. There are rough patches that we feel we need to protect from others. We are guarded creatures, afraid of pain and fear that could be derived from complete openness and having someone else abuse the trust.

I learned a very valuable lesson in life, relationships whether they be romantic, platonic, friends, or family relations deserve vulnerability. Distancing ourselves from others can lead to painful moments of feeling lonely and unsure if anyone is truly there for your wellbeing. Understand what is okay to be shared and thrive in relationships that are filled with trust.

I have been there. I am a pusher I tend to distance myself when it comes to dealing with difficult times. It, in turn, leads me to rarely ask for help, but when I do I hope the person recognizes how much I need it if I asked. That isn’t always the case though. Sometimes you fall and feel lost because you need some help, but cannot find it.

I believe you never have to do anything alone if you do not want to. I am consistently evolving into a woman who aspires to share her heart with as many souls that I can because I have become someone who so many have felt inclined to open up to. I encourage you all to write me, reach out to me, and develop a relationship with the woman behind the words.

Time provides for perspective on the past. It really is quite a troubling and complex concept that we have a love-hate relationship with. Either you want time to slow in moments that take your breath away, or you stare in disbelief at how slow a microwave minute actually is.

I find myself setting short-term and long-term goals for myself. I collect dates and reflect back as years past and notice what has changed. I rewind, if you will, and see how I gain a new understanding of where my life is now.

When life happens it is really easy to get wrapped up at the moment, and that is where I need to unwind. You can encounter life changes at any moment during any day. There really isn’t any standard on how to prepare for life, you just kinda have to get through them. As lackluster as that sounds, there are definitely lessons to be learned and tips that can be shared.

My life lessons and tips won’t perfectly match for everyone, but I feel the stories behind it all are worth sharing. I aim to write my thoughts out and dive deeper into myself in the hopes that someone somewhere can relate and feel supported while they encounter life.

I have an expensive piece of paper focusing on mental health and another on societies, and I am pursuing a more prestigious piece of paper, but equally as expensive, that will allow me to combine more disciplines and produce creative outlets from my findings. I have traded sandy beaches, for mountain ranges, and now cityscapes and skyscrapers are my surroundings. I travel and broaden myself by experiencing new cultures whenever I can. I date and get serious with the ones that truly impact my life. I am careful to fall fast but have changed by my past experiences with falling in love.

I venture through life and dabble with vegan/vegetarian/whateverelsegoodfoodismadeoutof from time to time. Everything will find a place on my blog like it does in my life. I end up just writing it all out in a dairy, so an online one isn’t so far out from my norm. I welcome you all to come along and share in all of my trials and tribulations throughout my years.

Finding Your Light: The Onset

The self-doubt I surpassed and rose against a few years ago flooded my bloodstream with toxic feelings at such force recently. I became crippled under the weight of fear and ached every time I tried to pull myself back up. I struggled, still struggle, daily with the events surrounding the changes in my life.

I am starting this multi-part series to invite others to gain insight towards mental health by providing personal experiences that I hope, in turn, will promote more to gain an understanding of the significance of mental health. You are not alone, there are so many resources out there to better yourself. 

It would be most natural to point fingers and blame others for the mess I found myself in, but self-awareness goes hand in hand with understanding the events surrounding the feelings. My personal mind was the one filling me with doubt. I attributed one instance of where I fell apart to correctly reflect upon all of my future endeavors.

There was no way I could succeed. I poured so much into a significant piece of my life, and not through my own doing, I lost it. That scared me. I could sit and feel as if I did everything right. I was complimented to the point that I was perfect at what I contributed, and still, I was left feeling lost and confused to the point I could only reason with the feeling I should have done something differently.

What shifted? 

I would spiral. I would emphasize the fact that I could do everything right with life, and suddenly one thing could pull the rug out from underneath me and leave me on the concrete floor crying for salvation. I came face to face with forces that existed solely to pin me at my wrists and keep me down. I attributed that to the rest of my life, I would always be hurt. No one was telling me that this failure would keep happening, but I kept telling myself it would.

I am the epitome of an over-thinker. I process every word, and I usually rise to incredible clarity. More times than most, I reach groundbreaking realizations by being calculated.

I have a demon who resides inside of me. It seeks to comport in my body, and I am the dummy to his ventriloquist act. He feeds me with dark clarity that keeps my eyes wide at night.

When I am strong, when I am happy, he is lost in the contents of my soul because I internally illuminate and radiate. He thrives on darkness, and when my light broke during this previous occasion, the glass exploded into the fine and fragmented pieces I amounted myself to. I became broken glass and dust, and he took control.

What happened? 

I would consume myself with my future, and he told me I was going to be a failure. He would tempt me and wake me from my sleep so I would hear his words that I tried to avoid with sleeping pills and strangulation by a blanket. He starved me quite literally and figuratively regarding fulfillment in my days. Somedays I resisted and tried to tell myself I was okay, but I was losing miserably and lying to myself most evenings.

I was so overwhelmed one day that I amounted myself to nothing. I was ready to throw everything in, and I wasn’t sure how far I would take, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

I usually overcome my demon on my own. I would never recommend this to anyone and strongly urge assistance. I, myself, am educated and regarded by therapists as aware of my mental health. Pain has existed in my life and has, in turn, been my biggest motivator. I can allow myself to feel uncomfortable, and talk to others through the process of getting help and move away from the pain I let myself feel momentary.

I wasn’t moving this time. I was scared that “this” broadly defined life. I never once felt my life was better off ending, so when I said that statement aloud and couldn’t amount what “this” meant, I moved. I was not helping myself this time, so I needed to bring in positive forces to be reminded I wasn’t alone.

To continue reading, check out Finding Your Light: The Action.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, I urge more to feel comfortable asking for help. Bearing the weight of your friends in times of need is not meant for everyone. If you are in a space in your life where you can be there for others, I hope you utilize your gift as I have in the past. If you personally cannot handle that role, help yourself, and help others to seek personal help. There is nothing shameful about wanting help. Hug more and remind those in your life that you love them, it will make a significant impact on your well being.